Marriage is way overrated!
The bond between the King and the Maiden in the Song of Songs is an enchanting portrayal of love. The King’s heartfelt declaration to the Maiden, “You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with the glance of your eyes” (Song of Songs 4:9ff), resonates with passion and devotion. In response, the Maiden’s poetic expression of her affection for the King, “Like the finest apple in the orchard is my lover among other young men. I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit” (Song of Songs 2:3), paints a vivid picture of admiration and adoration.
Their love enveloped them, and they became the focal point of each other’s lives. Encouraged by the young women of Jerusalem, they were urged to overcome any obstacles that could impede the flourishing of their relationship. The young maidens’ counsel in Song of Songs 2:15, “Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming,” serves as a poignant metaphor for safeguarding their love from potential disruptions.
Unfortunately, not everyone is fortunate enough to experience a marriage as blissful as that of the King and his Maiden from the Song of Songs. The reality is that many individuals end up divorcing their spouses because they are unable to achieve the ideal depicted in this ancient text. However, marriages come in various forms and can be characterized in different ways. After over twenty years of counseling couples, I have identified several distinct types of marriages that may resonate with you:
- Romantic-Intimate: characterized by deep emotional and physical connection
- Strong friendship: built on a foundation of deep companionship and mutual understanding
- Together for a common goal: such as raising children, engaging in church ministry, or running a business
- Great sex but struggling to live life together: focusing on physical intimacy but facing challenges in other aspects of the relationship
- Strangers wondering why they got married in the first place: feeling disconnected or distant from one another
- Asexual marriage: lacking physical intimacy but maintaining emotional connection and companionship
I will always hold dear the profound words of H.R. Stevens, the preacher who provided guidance and united my husband, Thomas, and me in marriage thirty-three years ago. H.R. imparted, “There are very few things two Christians can’t handle together.” I wholeheartedly resonate with this sentiment. It truly takes two individuals committed to resolving challenges to create an unstoppable force. However, does this imply that if my spouse is unwilling to address communication and conflict, my marriage is beyond hope? Not necessarily so.
Sometimes, change can be initiated by one partner’s actions. In a relationship system, a shift in one aspect can lead to a transformation in another. This becomes evident when one partner chooses to avoid arguments and communicates respectfully with their significant other. It’s difficult to argue with someone who consistently shows kindness. Consequently, the partner receiving respectful communication may become more open to constructive dialogue. While it’s nice when our behavior positively influences our spouse, the goal in marriage should not be to change our spouse but to change ourselves. A challenging marriage can lead to significant spiritual growth and self-development.
Looking at different types of marriages (romantic-intimate, strong friendship, together for a goal, great sex but failing at life together, strangers, asexual marriage), it’s clear that some types may not be ideal or what spouses intended, yet positive change can occur within the marriage or within individuals. When Job faced tragedies in life, he said in Job 1:21, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job recognized that life is more than people and things, and that we came into the world as individual spirits and will depart as such.
In the midst of life’s challenges, it’s important to remember that even if you’re unable to influence your spouse to change or attain a deeply fulfilling relationship, you can still find happiness. According to Ecclesiastes 2:22-24, despite the toil and struggles we face, we have the capacity to take joy in our work and find satisfaction in our daily lives. Similarly, Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 emphasizes that finding contentment and doing good is a gift from God. It’s a reminder that happiness isn’t solely dependent on the quality of one’s marriage.
In conclusion, the message is clear: happiness and joy are not exclusive to those in ideal relationships. They are accessible to all, regardless of their marital situation.